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| Its been a hard week. Work has been difficult and Ive experienced the highest sense of accomplishment and still some huge feelings of stupidity and sometimes I just feel like a worthless idiot. Beyond that I feel like my life around me is falling apart. Ive started smoking again. I keep telling myself. I'll quit eventually. I havent really picked it up again. Bullshit. I smoke 1-4 cigarettes a day. Soon enough I'll be back up to 10-15. I feel small. I've lost touch with everyone around me it feels. Sometimes I miss them and sometimes I just don't have the energy to care because I feel so misunderstood. Why should I make the effort? I feel so alone. Today I got a message from Petra. It was precious. It melted my heart and made me feel absolutely angry and sad at the same time. So incredibly sad that Ami and the girls are states away. Angry that I havent had the energy or time to talk to any of them. Angry that I havent made more of an effort. And then I stopped and realized that I feel that way about everyone in my life. My mom, my grandparents, my friends, my roommates. All of them. I feel so isolated. So incredibly isolated and I don't even have a shred of gumption to ttry and make it better. Im tired and worn down. I give all day. I save lives. I am a perfectionist. Mediocre isnt enough and when the halfway mark is hit I give up because there is no use if I cant go all the way. I feel like I dissapoint everyone all the time. There is only so much I can give. Why do I feel like I have to carry so much weight? Why do I feel like so many people dont understand? Why isnt there more time? Why can't I be better? faster? smarter? It just isn't enough.
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| Im starting to realize just how far I am from God. I thought about it today and realized that the moments I feel God are usually when I am in the car and a good worship song comes onto KLOVE. So I put on some worship and slowly started to melt. I am hard and cold as an iceberg. I know that. And for a long time (and maybe still now) didn't know what to do about it. But when I really think about it there are a couple of things I can pin on my spiritual emptiness. I don't go to church anymore. I'm not in any type of community spiritually. I miss being in a bible study. I don't do quiet times. I'm basically at the point where I know I believe in god but I don't know what I believe in terms of everything else. And I don't know what came first. The disbelief or the lack of Christian "things" in my life. Did I walk away from church etc. because I was struggling with my faith or am I struggling with my faith because I am not doing all of the things christians are expected to do? I would like to believe that no matter how many christian acts I perform my relationship with Christ would not be based on that. But I can't ignore that there are parts of my life I am not living right. I go out with people from my work and drink too much. I smoke and I think those things really hinder me from growing spiritually. Its not so much about what I don't do...its about what I do. The sad and scary thing though is that I feel like my letting those things go are incredibly difficult and far off. My work environment would be so hard to navigate without the relationships I have, which are created by my ability to party with everyone. (or at least I feel that way)
I don't think I could survive without nicotine for a day. My life is crazy and I feel like 99% of the time Im just barely hanging on. I don't know how to search for God in the midst of my life and to be honest a lot of times I am too apathetic to care. I'm not fully convinced in my heart of hearts that giving up my current lifestyle is worth it. I guess I don't really know what Im giving it up for. I know the Christianese reasons but deep in my being I really don't know what its for. I don't understand the value...I keep asking myself "Why?" "What for?" | | |
| This is a bunch of crap. I really don't want to be stuck at work on the 4th of July. When I am faced with the reality that I still have a solid year of nursing left it fears me. When I realize that all of the things I am experiencing this summer are only fleeting instances it pisses me off. The second I get away from people I turn to alcohol. As we speak I'm drunk and I only plan to get drunker. I hate this existence.
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| Graeme,
I'm sorry I haven't been keeping in touch very well lately,
but you know how my life is. (I think I start every email with a
sentence like that) I have 3 weeks left of school, then finals before
summer break begins. I got your email about the check that arrived.
Strange, it took that long to get to you. I have a feeling I left it
for you at the base and maybe they mailed it from there? Glad you got
it though.
At any rate, I enjoyed your last email. You know my history so
well; all of my trials and triumphs per say. I finished DTS in June
2003. Five years ago, almost to the date.
"And there in we have a start of an explanation on why 1 in 4 dts
graduates have no active faith within 5 years the end of dts. We have
a start to explaining declining church attendance. We have a start to
explain Christian indifference, apathy, and oft times, not so good
reputation in the world."
I
would be lying if I didn't include myself in the 1 in 4 who don't have
an active faith. I think the last time I went to church was sometime in
January, which is highly unusual for me. I don't do quiet times. I pray
occasionally. I have really no fellowship at all. All of that being
said, I feel those are the least of my problems. They are focused on
works and duties of faith. The real root of the problem comes down to
the connection and belief in my heavenly Father. And possibly the
connection with other believers as well. (or lack thereof)
A couple of times through out this past quarter my best friend in the
nursing program (who is a Christian) has stopped and told me to pray
when a difficult situation comes about. I dutifully bow my head, close
my eyes and nod in agreement with her; but all the while am thinking in
the back of my head "God could give a rat's ass about how I do on this
test or if I get cut from financial aid or if I'm angry, alone and
tired" In the end I am the one that has to get up everyday and live
this life...praying doesn't solve anything.
It shows how absolutely cynical, self centered and angry I have become.
And to be completely truthful, I am too angry and bitter to want to
change that. Practicalities outweigh faith, logic overrides hope, and
God just simply has no active, daily place in my life. I know He exists
and I do have some moments where I feel His spirit...few and far
between but they are there.
But all in all Graeme, I am faithless. Void, numb, tired, apathetic
and about as cynical as they come. Angry at everyone around me because
I feel misunderstood, alone and as if no one has any clue what its like
to live my life. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I work
16 hours a day with usually no time off and that I have little money
and 12,000 dollars of credit card debt alone.
Thanks to our wonderful governor Arnold, I have been drastically cut
from a chunk of financial aid. (which I wasn't even eligible for till
this year) and I have to deal with it all myself. I don't really have a
support system or people that I feel I can turn to. I am alone and
ultimately I think I feel like God has abandoned me.
Life
is exhausting and I don't have the time or energy to pursue a
relationship with my faith because I feel like God doesn't care
anyways. I really honestly wouldn't even know where to begin at this
point.
You know, this is the first time I have even remotely verbalized this
at all. I'm sorry you are getting the load of it, but Graeme, I am so
thankful that you care. That you take the time to reach out because
sometimes I think it is the one bridge I have (and probably many
others) to even beginning to connect on some deeper level. I thank you
for that.
Hope all is well,
Andrea
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| Ya know, the more I write in this journal, the more thankful I am that I haven't told anyone about it. I have my moments of weakness, wanting to connect this with those in my life. But, in the end it is here. For me alone, my thoughts and it has turned into becoming my safe place to retreat too. It has been a long quarter and I am only nearly halfway through. One thing that has really hit me, since my conversation with Helena yesterday is my paradigm of this place I am in with school... with life.
I have lost myself in this profession. I am not Andi Voci without "nursing student" trailing behind that name. They are one and the same. It is who I am. I know I am loved by many for more reasons then that, but so much of my worth is resting on me getting this license... finishing De Anza. I have fooled myself too, thinking I am mature, valuable, worthy and secure because I have what it takes to do this.
What if I don't though? Will I still be ok? Will I still be respected, admired and loved by those around me if I don't finish this out. Its like those letters they found that Mother Theresa wrote. The saint of all modern saints, had a crisis of faith. Does it change her value? Does it discredit her work? No! not by any means. Does it dishearten and disillusion those that found hope in her story... probably so. And the point is that she still did it. She made a difference.
I can't say the same for myself yet and I just want to know that I will have people, that someone who sees me for me and loves me just the same. Not for the traits I carry. I'm only fooling myself to believe I have any worth in their eyes if not for nursing. | | |
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